After the
ugly collapse of the world's largest online pet store a brave puppet tries to
pull himself from the ashes.
Interviewer: Hello Sock Puppet thank you for agreeing to be interviewed,
I realize that this is a difficult time for you.
Sock Puppet: Please, call me Emilio. Pets.com refused to let me use my
real name so that I couldn't ask for more money.
Interviewer:
What do you mean Emilio?
Emilio: They constantly reminded me that they could hire a puppet from
the former Soviet Union and dub in my voice, and since no one knew my real name
they would never know the difference.
Interviewer:
Wow, I never knew how tough things could be for a puppet in corporate America.
Emilio:
You have no idea, Ken. You see these cute cked ears I've got? They weren't
born that way, Ken. And this microphone I'm
always holding? I can't
put it down.
Interviewer:
you mean….?
Emilio:
yeah, they had a team surgically alter my ears to, and these are their words,
"maximize your potential consumer amiability quotient". And the microphone....
is because I dropped the mike on the first commercial. I mean I was nervous, it
was hot. But those things aren't cheap so they attached this dummy mike to my
hand and just used a boom mike from then on.
Interviewer:
Amazing. Why did you do it? I mean when they asked you to break your ears, why
didn't you just say no?
Emilio:
Ken, no offense, but you are so naive. They don't just say, "Emilio, lets break
your ears and permanently attach a fake microphone to your hand". No way, it's
much more sinister than that. (sniffs) This is hard to talk about, Ken. I
thought I was past this, but the memories are overwhelming.
Interviewer:
Do you want to stop for a minute.
Emilio:
no…NO! I've got to get past this, to…to move on with my life.
Interviewer:
Be strong, man. Um, dog. Uh, puppet.
Emilio:
They said teeth cleaning. TEETH CLEANING damn it! I would have never agreed to
reconstructive surgery on my ears. My mom freaked, I mean one day I tell her
about this great new job, then BAM! My face is all covered in gauze bandages and
this thing is stuck to my hand. How am I supposed to explain this? "Gee
ma, they thought I'd be cuter with busted ears. Oh this thing? It's a
microphone, everyone is doing it in Cali." Of course the company straightened
everything out with her. You know how much it costs to get a puppets mom to
forget about her son's disfigurement?
Interviewer:
Umm, two thousand dollars?
Emilio:
Ha, not even close my friend, not even close. Try a bottomless bowl subscription
of IAMS senior formula dog food and a squeaky cat toy. I mean think how I felt.
How did that negotiation go? "You've disfigured my son!" "We'll give you a
bottomless bowl subscription" "HA! you must me joking he'll never be the same!"
"We'll throw in a squeaky cat toy" "deal". I mean she denies it, but where did
all that premium dog food come from? And I saw the contract, why do you think
she never does the talk show circuit?
Interviewer:
hmm. Well, what are you doing now? Where does the most famous puppet dog in
history go from here? Have you got any leads on new jobs?
Emilio:
Geez, this is embarrassing, just remember when I signed these contracts I was
just a dumb kid. O.K. here it goes. Pets.com owns me.
Interviewer:
what do you mean owns you?
Emilio:
I signed rights to myself over to Pets.com in my contract. I'm actually being
bid on as we speak. I hear a Korean teriyaki chain is in the lead. They want to
turn me into a cat to help boost sales. I can't even speak Korean.
Interviewer:
whew, rough. But there must be something good happening? I mean with all your
fame and recognition. I hear you're dating Lambchop?
Emilio:
Was dating Lambchop. She told me she doesn't date has-beens. Ouch.
Interviewer:
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Emilio:
It's cool. It wasn't working out anyway. I mean, everywhere we went she had to
bring Sherry. She couldn't do anything without Sherry. I mean anything.
Once we tried to sneak out when Sherry was sleeping but Lambchop just froze.
Interviewer:
Froze?
Emilio:
She just went totally limp. She couldn't say anything, couldn't move, it was
scary. I really don't want to talk about this anymore.
Interviewer:
The money must be great though.
Emilio:
They paid me in stock options. You know how much Pets.com stock options are
worth? Zip, zilch, nada. I'm living with my mom. Hey, I gotta go man, it's been
great but VH1 is doing a "Where are they now" show on me.
Interviewer:
Thanks Emilio, I appreciate you sharing with us today.
Emilio:
No prob. Keep it real.